A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Dreams are funny things, I think. And I don't just mean the weird things that run through your head at night that you don't always remember. And I'm not just talking about the hope type dreams you have for your life. I mean both kinds of dreams, and how similar they are. Or how much they can intertwine. If you want something badly enough, and you think about it enough, it often enters into your dreams. When I watch way too much of a show,play some video game constantly, or am in the midst of whatever my latest obsession is that obsession usually enters into my dreams in one way or another. Like that weird Buffy dream I had a few weeks ago after I spent nearly the entire weekend watching season 5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I remember in my senior year of high school when I had to keep a dream journal for my AP psychology class. Honestly, my dreams are really really weird. Which is something I've always wondered, are most people's dreams really weird? Plus, my dreams always feel more like video games than movies. There's usually some sort of protagonist (not always me, but much of the time it is) and I'm playing in their role, but at the same time I realize that it's not real and it's just some crazy adventure. I've had dreams where it REALLY felt like a video game because there was leveling up, party characters, map "screens", etc. Some of these video game dreams can rival Japanese RPGs in weirdness, and you've ever played a JRPG then you know that's saying something.

The weirdest dreams, though, are the ones where my dreams for real life slip through. I usually obsess about things pretty heavily and they tend to dominate my thoughts in a sort of endless loop of worrying/wanting/excitement/plans/etc. So similarly to when Buffy pops up in a dream those real life dreams that I obsess about manifest themselves. Like this going to Japan thing. I can't tell you the number of dreams that are either set entirely in Japan or I go to Japan.

But, because they're real things that I want in the real world, those are the weirdest dreams. I just wish I could stop having these dreams in my sleep, and make them goals. Goals are things that can actually happen. Goals have substance. Goals are concrete. Dreams are kind of like old school Disney princesses who wait around hoping that someone will rescue them from whatever predicament they're in (ie Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, even Belle somewhat, although she shows initiative by trying to rescue her father). Goals are more like the "girl power" princesses where they go out and do the things they know they should/want to (ie Mulan, Tiana).

Anyway, just some thoughts on dreams. I am curious though, how do your dreams usually play out?

Now I really do need to go read Gravity's Rainbow and study Japanese because I've spent the past few hours changing my blog layout and writing this post. Speaking of which, how does the layout look? Any comments/suggestions/things that are broken but I missed?

Muscles

I've recently mentioned the fact I've been taking a pilates class this quarter at my college Rec Center. I'm not super new to pilates as I've done videos and read some things online about it, but this is my first time taking a class. What's nice about the class is that the instructor breaks down the exercises a lot more and can tell you if you're doing something wrong. And, let me tell you, in this setting you end up working a lot more different muscles a lot more. We've done exercises using muscles I didn't realize I actually had, and using muscles in ways I haven't thought of before. It's interesting, and also makes those muscles sore since I'm not exactly used to using them.

This made me wonder about things that I use and have access to on a daily basis but I don't really notice. I don't just mean things like clean water running freely from a sink or the easiness of acquiring food, although those are definitely things that fall under this. Strangely enough, I feel like I take for granted and fail to notice things like facebook, youtube, my smartphone, xbox, laptop, etc way more than I take for granted things like food and clean water. I forget that not everyone is connected into the internet nearly 24 hours a day, and that a large proportion of people don't have computers or have never played a video game. But for me, these things are huge parts of my daily life. I go crazy when the internet is down (although thankfully I can say that after my initial freak out and my reflex fix of unplugging and plugging the router I do remember I have things like homework to do, books to read, and things to crochet). I check my e-mail on my blackberry constantly. I always have a google chrome tab open to facebook and youtube.

Even more significant than these things are the people I fail to notice and really appreciate. It's sort of like when you pull a back muscle or you do some weird exercise that makes a muscle in your back sore, and then you really realize how much you actually use those muscles because it hurts whenever you try to move. When these people aren't available I realize how much I depend on them in various ways. Like my mom (Hi mom! I know you read this), my Dad, my brother, several of my friends (both old from high school and new from college)...

I know, I turned a post about pilates into a touch-y feel-y blog about not taking people for granted.

But it's true.

WTWA: At this moment in time I'm technically "done" with everything I absolutely have to have done by tomorrow. Sure, I have assignments I should get done tonight and reading I should work on, but if I stopped right now I would be completely fine. I haven't finished my homework before midnight on a school night in AGES. So now I'm going to bug my roommate until she's done with enough of her homework so we can watch Buffy.

I Dreamed a Dream

I've gotten a few steps closer to my study abroad application today. My advisor finished the recommendation form (that I dropped off yesterday, crazy productive man) and I ordered my official transcript. With each step it becomes a little bit more real, and a little bit scarier. I'm somewhat adventurous, but admittedly taking off for a foreign country where I somewhat know the language for two months and I'll be more or less on my own is stretching my sense of adventure. Okay, I realize I'm not actually in the program yet, it's only for two months, and I'll have ages to prepare, but still! Really! It's not exactly something I've ever done before. It's exciting and sounds amazing, but still somewhat frighting.

Speaking of things that are somewhat frightening, my dream last night was one of those incredibly vivid ones that are intense to the point of being tiring. But it was also nice because there were a few aspects that I wish would happen (and are physically possible of happening) in real life so I was a little sad to wake up. Then again I was also Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (but I was still me and living my life) which was the stressful and intense part. Really, I'd never want to actually be her. Have her crazy awesome slayer powers? Maybe. Deal with the demons and the undead and the apocalypse every single year? I'll pass. This might be an indicator that I've been watching too much Buffy, but I haven't watched a single episode since last Monday, I swear! Despite the fact that both the people I told this dream to today had the same almost instant reaction that I've been watching the show too much, I'm sticking with my assertion that I don't have a problem...

Back on the topic of dreams, I think dreams like this are interesting because, despite the fantastic dream-like qualities to them, they feel more like real life than other dreams. Dreams like this blur the lines between reality and dream. What is the dream and what isn't? Did that conversation you distinctly remember having with you mom last week happen in real life? Or in the dream? There are some parts in Gravity's Rainbow that slip into and back out of a dream again, and if you're not careful you can completely miss the shift. If you've seen Inception there's that part where Leonardo DiCaprio's character is explaining to Ellen Page's character that dreams feel real when we're in them, and it isn't until we wake up that we realize something wasn't quite right.

Anyway, I just hope tonight's dreams are a little less intense so I don't feel so tired when I wake up. Being the Slayer is tough- even when it was only a dream.

Context

I'm currently in the last five episodes of season 5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer while baking banana bread and banana cake AND doing tiny bits of homework (albeit very tiny). I mean, I won't be able to focus on homework until I finish this season, so why bother? Right?

Seriously, though, this season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been amazing. It's also interesting because there's an episode near the middle that has this lovely way of ripping your heart out but it's still beautiful (if you've seen it you know which one I'm referring to) that I had actually seen before. My friend Jessica has always been a little aghast at the fact that this episode was the only episode of Buffy I'd seen the entire way through for the longest time. I had seen parts of the one where Xander is possessed by a hyena and parts of the last episode of the fifth season, but "The Body" was the only one I'd seen it its entirety. It was odd watching it today, finally in context of the five years of history the show had gone through previous to the episode. It was interesting to remember the first time I watched it, not understanding various relationships and histories and characters, and then comparing it to watching it now.

It's kind of like when you take anything out of context. Sure, you can understand most of it, but there's so much more beneath that you just can't see. Which makes me think about people. People, it seems, are always out of context. Or more importantly, we can only seem to understand someone in context. Or maybe it's the context we often understand more than the person themselves.

Or maybe I've been watching to much TV and eating/drinking too much stuff with sugar in it and it's going to my brain.

Easy A is Easily... Not

I just finished watching Easy A, a movie I was actually quite intrigued to see (despite and because of its previews). I'd heard some things about it, mostly good, so I continued to be interested. However, after I watched it I'm feeling a strange mix of love and hate for the movie, but mostly disappointment.

I'll start with the things I liked. I LOVED Emma Stone. Honestly, I feel like her performance was probably the best part of the movie. She was enjoyable to watch, which honestly was a good thing because if she wasn't the movie would have probably been horrible. Her family was also an upside to the movie (oh hey! A good family for once with parents who actually function as human beings who might actually care for their child?! What is this madness?!).

Now, before I move on to what I didn't like I'm just going to put this on the table because I KNOW that a major reason why I didn't like the movie is going to be this: I am a Christian. I grew up going to church, I believe in God and in heaven, I'm a (trying really hard to) love everybody type person, and I honestly believe that God is a huge part and a huge truth in my life. I try really hard not to push that on people (in huge part, I feel, due to my Lutheran upbringings. Lutherans aren't really big on in-your-face-proselytizing) although I do hope that people realize they can come to me with any question they might have and would receive no judgement on my part towards them.

And now I'm going to admit it, I was pretty offended by the movie.

I tried so hard not to be offended, you guys. I really really really did. I knew going into the movie that Amanda Bynes played the over-stereotyped, bitchy, blond, over-zealous, judging, Christian and that I doubted anything else in the movie would soften that. Although I did appreciate Olive going and attempting to read the Bible, going to different churches, mentioning the fact that Marianne (and her friends) were extremists, and a few other tiny mentions that not all Christians are crazy, but these mentions were a little far and few between. I also had SERIOUS problems with the depiction of Marianne's dad (the pastor) especially at the end due to some of my own past experiences that I don't really feel like going into on the internet at this moment in time.

And before anyone reading this feels the need to point out the injustices done by Christians in both large and small scales, and that Christians have marginalized people for centuries, and whatever... Just don't because I know this already. I just don't understand the constant need in the media to point out how horrible Christians are. People wouldn't feel a need to harp on someone of a racial minority if they were offended due to their ethnicity being negatively stereotyped. People are horrified by old Disney cartoons and children's books that depict gross representations of different groups of people. So why do I feel guilty? Why do I currently feel that I shouldn't be such an easily offended Christian? Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to be offended by this movie?

I'm annoyed that a movie that seems to promote imaging people complexly, that we shouldn't believe everything we see and hear, and there's so much more to people than we realize has every character except the main one be predictable, flat, and stereotyped (except *perhaps* her parents and the teacher she liked). I disliked that I felt that I wasn't allowed to identify with the movie because part of my identity was tied to the villains in the movie. And, honestly, I so identified with Olive, but I felt it ripped away as I felt judged by everything else in the movie. Why am I not allowed to share in these things?

And why can't there be movies that portray normal Christians? Why can't there be TV shows about perfectly normal kids who are Christian? Maybe in my highly offended state right now I can't quite remember them, but beyond the Christian movies I've seen (produced by Christian companies that are often cheesy and campy) I can't think of movies/tv shows/or too many average books with a main character or a friend of the main character who was religious AND normal.

Anyway, the movie wasn't the worst thing I'd ever seen in my. It has a good message that gets distorted by hypocritical views (that are brought to light, I suppose, if you are an easily offended Christian) so if you haven't seen it and you're still interested it could be worth a rental. I, unfortunately, will be a little disappointed (but still loving Emma Stone/Olive and her capacity to still try and love and understand and forgive people in the movie).

WTWA: In my Children's Literature class we got those scholastic book orders you used to get in Elementary school, and we get to order books from them! WIN!

Show Stoppin'

For today's post, I honestly had no idea what to write so I asked my ever so helpful roommate Emily who said I should post about "Show Stoppin.'" I kid you not. I think part of this came from the fact that the idea for us to dress up as those orange construction cones and this would be a show stopper. And now I have nothing else to say about show stopping. Except for the fact that I find the positive connotations of show stoppers odd, especially because technically technical difficulties will stop a show but they're definitely not positive.

I apologize for the lack luster quality of this post, but I really have no focus and have little brainpower to spend on anything. I still have 60 pages of Gravity's Rainbow to read, and I really don't know if I'll be able to finish all of those pages before tomorrow. On the plus side, the first 25 pages of my reading has been populated with more bananas than I've ever experienced in literature and a dream about a giant adenoid swallowing up London. I think that's what happened anyway. I'm not entirely sure what is going on in this book.

WTWA: Today was a "go to class in the sweatpants you slept in" kind of day. This might sound bad, but getting to the point where you really just don't care anymore has its benefits. And the benefit is not caring that you're still wearing the clothes you slept in. YES.

When it's New

Despite the trepidation and fear people have towards change, I feel like most people experience some form of excitement about new things. And when I mean things, I mean both physical objects and doing new things. Learning a new skill is often exciting and practicing that new skill is often way more fun when it's brand new. Going to new places is fun and exciting. Forming new friendships. Learning new things. New. New. New.

I always get a little excited when I get new classes at the beginning of the year/quarter. Getting new books and starting off with a clean slate is always a fun experience. This quarter the things I was least excited about were the things I'd already been doing the whole year. I had a "ho-hum" sort of attitude about most of these things.

Some old things can turn into new things too. People you've known for ages can surprise you with random facts or stories from their pasts. Skills you've been honing for a while can become more exciting when you discover a new technique. While change can be frightening, it can lead to this sense of excitement and "new-ness".

Mostly, these were just thoughts that were on my mind today as I thought about a few things. Also on my mind today was HOW MUCH ICE was everywhere. Seriously. I love snow, but really? And now I need to go finish my homework because my university NEVER cancels school regardless of how dangerous things get. Well, maybe not that far, but I imagine it will take a lot to get them to cancel school. Teachers might cancel an individual class, but school itself will never get canceled.

WTWA: I know I complained about the ice but this is why today was awesome...

Also, I made a hat :)

I look weird in this picture, so ignore the face and just look at the hat.

Lost and Found

Lately I've discovered I've been leaving behind a lot of things. And when I say that I mean like I left my rain jacket at my parents' house when I moved back to college a week ago (and when you live in Western Washington, losing your rain jacket in January really isn't a good idea), or yesterday I left my TARDIS emblazoned pencil case that holds all of my school supplies (and normally my zune, but thankfully that was at home) behind in the library. I may also be losing my mind in the process, but that's incredibly likely due to the circumstances outlined in yesterday's "post" (or whatever you want to call the blurb I made yesterday)

This made me think of other things I've left behind. Decisions I've made to let some friendships weaken in some way or another for some reason or another, or other decisions to forgo certain life paths in exchange for something different. It makes wonder where the never found material and immaterial things we leave behind end up. The Island of Misfit Toys? That space behind the washer where I'm sure all of my left socks ended up?

Regardless, I'm just happy the library has a lost and found. And that someone found my Doctor Who pencil case I've had since my sophomore year of high school for me. I think with everything else that is going on, losing that forever would have been a sign I should drop of out school.

Day 2 Traveling

It might be 11:14 on day two of my 2011 project, but I'm still going to write something because I told myself I would. I mean, I'm already one day behind, I didn't really need to add another this early into the project...

I won't make this too long because I do need to get to bed at some point due to the fact I start classes tomorrow (which I'm really not looking forward to) but I do have a few thoughts.

I've always kind of looked at traveling between my school home and my parents house as a sort of time traveling. I go home, and sometimes I feel like I'm only partially participating, but mostly observing a world I used to know but has gone on in time without me. I feel like I've traveled back in time two years, and I see a world and a time I don't quite belong in anymore. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I do realize obviously life goes on without me. However, I feel this time traveling so much more over winter break. I helped at the dance recital that I used to perform in, I went to my old church, and I see the friends I used to hang out with almost daily two years ago.

But now I'm back at school, and back in the present. While back in the past I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go back to the future, but now that I'm here I think I'll be fine. Although, really, only time will tell how things will go.

But really, despite most of us not having blue boxes that are bigger on the inside, or not happening upon black holes, or possess a car that has been converted into a time machine by a slightly crazy long haired scientist, I feel like most of us travel in time in some way or another. And now, I must really speed up time and go to bed.

Day 1 (2)? Start of Something New

Oh look at that, I let another month go by again. Not that much has happened over break. Plus, I took my computer in to get the fan replaced and it took them about three times longer than they said it would so I had to borrow my mom's computer. I've been making things and playing video games and hanging out with people, but its hard to blog about such things when you're on a borrowed laptop. Not that my mom uses her computer much (or hardly at all) but I did feel a bit bad if I used it too much of the time. And I didn't want to create too many files or make too many new things that I'd have to transfer later.

Still, I meant to write over Winter break, but it never quite felt right. I would come up with things to write in my head, but I couldn't actually get it down. My thoughts have been a little tentative and messy lately, and I don't really know what to do with them. So, in an attempt to become a little more okay with the person I am in my head I've been thinking of doing something to get out of my head. And now I'm getting a little too figurative and weird, but really, this is going somewhere.

Even thought it's currently January 2nd I've been thinking of attempting to post something every day this year, BEDA fashion. Will it actually happen? Probably not, I'm sure I'll miss a few days and I've already technically missed day one. However, I think even if I just post a picture, something I learned that day, or just something I thought of it will work for what I want this to be.

As for today, I'll leave this here but I'll also direct you to my craft blog in which I am just about to post one of my last projects HERE. Feel free to look at that, and hopefully you'll see me again tomorrow :D

Achieve Able

I am currently sitting at home/my parent's house while dressed in my college sweats and my giant high school senior sweatshirt that I ordered a size too big. I had considered waiting another week or so before coming home, but school and my college town was getting a little overwhelming and I just needed to get out for the weekend. If you are one of my awesome, awesome friends who lives in Bellingham, know that you are the part I missed. Anyway, in addition to the lazing about and watching my brother play Halo, I'm eating tons of junk food because I don't buy soda or potato chips at school, and now I have access to way too much of it. Although, in the long run I figure a bowl or two of potato chips and a can of coke won't completely ruin my goal to be a healthier person. In theory.

Anyway, I've been thinking lately about goals and feelings of achievement. My life has gotten a little crazy in terms of the goals I'm making and the things I need to do to get there. The road to these goals is turning out to be a long one (and getting longer the more research I do), and it's beginning to feel aggravating and the achievements and grades I earn in school don't feel the way it used to. Getting a good grade on a paper? I always find more things I could have done, or better ways to do something. Do well on a Japanese test? No time to think about that because I've got to start studying for the next one while making sure I maintain the knowledge of the last one. I used to get so excited over good grades and discovering that I really was learning new things, but now homework and even getting good grades feels more akin to doing the dishes than say, climbing a mountain. Sure, you can finish the dishes and you can do a really good job on them, but in all likelihood seconds after you finish there will be another dirty dish in the sink. It's the same with any school related ridiculousness. There is always more homework, more tests, and more classes.

Then, there's that thing you always hear about video games, how there's a "false sense of achievement." What makes it "false"? What makes it less "real" than getting a grade in a class or completing anything else? Today I finally finished Halo: Reach on Legendary difficulty, which is as hard as it sounds. False sense of achievement? Maybe. Was it awesome? Definitely. And since at least last June/July I've been making a super conscious effort to eat a lot healthier and continue to exercise (as I got in a pretty good habit of exercising last year). I feel like I achieved something when I made it to the gym a day or two more than I usually managed to, include lots of vegetables in my food, or (yes) when I see on the scale that I've managed not to gain weight or even lose a pound or two since I last checked. So, where does that fall?

What's the point of "achievement" anyway? When you achieve something, it means you did something. Is it the completion of something that matters? Or really, just that you did something? Do I have an answer? No. I'm really just thinking out loud.

Anyway, my point is that I like video games, and in this time of my life where I'm getting fed up with how ridiculous and confusing school is, sometimes I feel more like I actually did something when I complete a level of Halo or increase my gamerscore. Do I feel like video games produce a "false" sense of achievement then? No, I don't.

Despite my complaining about homework and my dislike of the monotony of doing yet another linguistics exercise or read another billion pages for my 8:30 AM English class where my teacher is way to intense for that early in the morning, I still must do it. So... that's what I'm going to do. Right now. Yes.

Side Note: Just because I feel like I wasn't excited enough about it in the midst of my reflective think-y post, I'm going to insert it here. I just want to geek out on the internet because I am so excited. I FINISHED HALO: REACH ON LEGENDARY BY MYSELF. OH MY GAH!!!!! That was ridiculous, and hard, and was at least 18-20 hours of my life where I died at least 200 times.

Side note #2: My posts are long when I think too much.

Videos and Some Thoughts

I posted this video yesterday on the collab channel I share with my first two IRL nerdfighter friends. So, I've decided to post it on here as well. Take from it what you will.

In other news, for the past two-ish weeks there's been all this crazy stuff happening around here because a freshmen went missing the first weekend of school. Lots of people were theorizing on what happened, organizing search parties, raising money so they could have an award for information... etc. Except, they found him today. And, unfortunately, it was his body that was found near the water. I don't really know what to think of it. Some of my friends feel really affected by it, even though no one I know actually knew him (except, my mom said someone at my church was his old neighbor. Either that or a friend of someone at church was his neighbor). Some people I've talked to don't feel affected at all. They feel that it was literally just really bad luck after he got in a bad situation. That bad things happen to good people all the time, and this one just happened a little closer to us than it usually does. As for me? I'm not sure. I definitely am sad for the family and friends, but I don't even feel like I can even really begin to imagine what it would feel like in this situation to even think about how I would sympathize. But on the other hand, I never knew him. The only reason I probably ever found out his name was because he went missing. So, I guess I'm somewhere in the middle. Still, I just felt the need to write out a few thoughts on the matter.